last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
