My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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