DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
