Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
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You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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