got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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