I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
