thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.