oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
