are you still at the devil's house?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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