I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
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If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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