not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he puts the penis in happiness.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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