can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
