I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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