hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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