Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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