i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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