Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i've created a new STD.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
