So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
