you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
