Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
