the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
