u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
