I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
