It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
