you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
