ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
