Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
