Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
