Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
