I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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