I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize