Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
