You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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