you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can't put those talents on a resume
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
