Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
