U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
