the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My ATM looks so different sober.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
