Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
How does it feel to date your dad?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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