I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize