Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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