my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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