Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
3pm strippers are depressing
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
