Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
