I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
