First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
