erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Randomize
