then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
