Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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