His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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