Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
