the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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