I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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