nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We had sex on a dog bed..
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
