tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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