i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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