wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
