Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
