I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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