Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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