I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
