Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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